Just Write

Today is Tatay and Nanay's Wedding Anniversary.  Growing up, it's our family tradition to go out on a "nice" dinner as a family to celebrate this special occasion.  After dinner, we go to COD to watch the  Christmas Show.  Dec. 1 is not only an anniversary ... it's also the start of the Christmas celebration with the Estrellas' at 491-D :)  This is the day when we put our Christmas Tree up.  Oh I love reminiscing these fun memories ...

JUST WRITE.   That's my title for this post because I am coaching myself to just write .... write even if sometimes I don't feel like to (which is not really "I don't feel like to" but more of "I think I have other important things to do than write on my online journal" .... Ahhhh, just write. And so I did.

Because Journaling Is Good For The Soul

Yesterday I discovered that a friend of mine also re-started her blog and writing journal entries of  musings and reflection.  I enjoyed reading her blog because it's written in the same way I write here.  She talked about how she sometimes (or most of the time) overanalyze a situation. I am so the same.  And  journaling via blog helps me in processing my thoughts and dissecting my feelings.  I messaged her telling her that I found her blog. I encouraged her to keep on writing  on her blog  because "writing is good for the soul". ... "journaling is good for the soul".

Yesterday I also discovered a Facebook Page called Button Poetry and it sparked my love for Poetry. I think I might start writing poems again... 

Checked back on the Bucket List I wrote in 2012 and a lot has not been fulfilled. I think I need to be more proactive about fulfilling them.  

With my husband's retirement from his job at the Maui County, we are going through transitions. Praying all will go well, and all will even be better ...

And my book ... oh the book that I am supposed to write.  Nope, not done yet.  I really need to set aside a time to do it.  I also need to let go of  trying to make it a perfect book because it will never be perfect.  I need to remind myself to write according to my writing style.  People follow my blog and social media posting because of my style ... I just have to remain true to my voice and the writing will be easier and I'd be able to finish that book.

a hui hou

Vulnerability, Overshare and Overthinking

Credit: Quiet Revolution FB Page

The other day I shared about my "stress hive".  Yesterday I talked to my friend/doctor and he told me it's not. He said its a viral thing.  Maybe it is, maybe it's not .... but I stand with my self diagnosis that it is  (i know, Google and I are not doctors, but ;) ).  There are many things I am sorting out in my life and I think that's causing a "stir" in my system.  Anyway, I am glad the hives are gone because it was not fun having it.

So now, let's catch up on where we've left off ....  

Kids Insurance. Answered Prayers.  We figured out what we are going to do and they are covered.

Maui Monopoly. The event was successful.  I was exhausted and my energy was drained after. Then this feeling "I didn't do as much as I should have done" came upon me. I started thinking of the things I could have done better, and I was hard on myself. Then there was also an anxiety felt when I heard of the talk about making it an annual event.  After a couple of days dealing with that anxiety, and I had the courage to express myself and just be honest that fundraising is not my calling.  I was honest. I made myself vulnerable. In the end it worked out fine.

On a more positive note, my son was accepted at the Animation school he applied for and he is going to L.A. in January. We're pretty excited!  I will most likely share more about this on another entry but I just want to mention it here for now.

And one more great news, I found my Bible that I thought I lost.

Now on a different story ...

I shared at the Thanksgiving Eve at church.   It was a "sensitive" topic for me.  I practiced in my head what I was going to say and its all good.  But when I stood up on the stage, there was a phrase that came out of my mouth that should not have ... and after that I was bummed.  Thus my title "Vulnerability, Overshare and Overthinking".   You see, the point of my sharing is to give Thanks to God for being a personal God. It's a testimony of how He is always with us no matter what we go through.  I wanted to share a certain struggle I had 12 years ago that will make that point.  What I am supposed to say was " 12 years ago, a situation happened at church that I felt hurt and insecure. It was a complicated situation and it wasn't intended to hurt me, but I felt hurt".  Well.... on the stage, I simply said "(12 years ago, "name of church" hurt me, emotionally ..." Duh! After the sharing I felt bad. That was an overshare.  Sure I emphasized the fact that God has a plan, that we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect, but still I was bothered by that phrase. It's an old story. I should not have mentioned it. It can be misinterpreted. I started this back and forth dialogue in my head:  "it's ok, let it go - to what can I do - what should I do to make it right? etc. etc."  The thing is, it's done. Probably nobody ever remembered what I said; but what if somebody does, and misinterpret what I meant. Oh well, let go and let God handle this. 

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving with our friends.  We hosted it at home.  On Thanksgiving, we have this "tradition" that at the night of Thanksgiving we would put our Christmas Tree up and decorate it with our friends.  Yesterday I told my husband that I wasn't ready for the Christmas  Tree to be up.  I simply don't want to do the "tradition".  Long story short, we did it anyway, and I am glad we did.  However, it makes me wonder what exactly was my reason why felt like I didn't want to do it.  It's hard to explain.  I can "feel" it on my body ...  in my mind I know why I didn't want to do it, but there are no words to describe why.  I guess I can  "blame" it on the "Introvert Me".  I am still recovering from using all my "social powers" in CT, my social me is depleted.  Friends at "Quiet Revolution"  would understand what I was going through  but my husband who is an extrovert won't.  Maybe I am just missing my daughter and my family in the Philippines and that's my way of  fighting it or indirectly expressing it. I don't know. But our friends are pretty cool so it turned out fine and I am glad that now our Christmas tree is decorated. 

The thing is, now I am feeling kind guilty for making that situation a bit awkward.  Because I that morning I told them I don't want to do it, then in the end I agreed to do it. I felt I had put a "damper" of the situation.  I hate being the "melancholic" one.  I wish I can be this "enthusiastic" and "fun" person instead of this person who other people might be "walking on eggs shells" around.  Oh yes, I am overthinking this too.  It went fine. Liza, stop overanalyzing.

OK. I think this is it for now.   I woke up at 3am today and couldn't go back to sleep so I wrote here. But now I am feeling sleepy, which is a good thing, so I am going back to bed.

BONUS: A Good Article to Read: https://onbeing.org/blog/solitude-a-reprieve-from-the-noise-of-doing/

Vision and Goals

Girlfriends and I did a "Vision Board" back in December 2015 to get ready for the New Year 2016.

It took me a while to finish mine. I did a vision booklet instead of a board.  Actually it's not fully done yet, but it's getting there.

I often browse through the book ... making sure that what I do each day is in line with the vision and goals I have put together in there.

But here's the thing ....

I only have 24 hours each day, with limited resources.  I have been realizing that accomplishing all my goals is just not  going to happen ... or not going to happen quickly. OK, let me change that mindset right now. It's going to happen, maybe not as quickly but it will.  That's why it's called "vision", right?

Why can't they be all done or all accomplished quickly? Because there's conflict. There's always conflict somewhere.  Conflict in schedule. Spend time with family? spend time with friends? Spend time in work to earn a "living", Spend time on exercising because its important for my health...  Another thing, "budget" (for example I want to go see some shows and spend time with family or friends, but the buying a ticket for a show is not in our tight budget. It's a luxury we can't afford at this time).

I constantly have to choose among good things ... several good things on my plate but I can't do them all...

Today some of the choices are: 1) walk or write (write won)  2) Late morning: Go hiking with girlfriends (sounds so much fun! at Ioa Valley!); attend baptism with church family at Kam  III Beach (it's always great to support those who are getting baptized); spend one-on-one time with the hubby who is recovering from a surgery (he is fine and can actually go out and drive so it's not like we're stuck at home); de-clutter my house (it's overdue for de-cluttering) 

Back to the vision board. I think, even though I can't do all of them,  it still helps me. It pushes me to accomplish what otherwise I would just say "I can't"..... for example, writing (blogging).  I had been blogging more this year. Like what I am doing right now.  It's a good thing.

Now, because I had been writing more in the morning, I also had been walking/running less. I'd tell myself I'd just run midday or in the afternoon but that does not happen.  Hmm... here we go again.

The truth is, in life we have to constantly make choices.  We can't have them all.  We have to seek that which we are called to do and that which we are made to accomplish. And by seeking that and knowing that, then we can have at peace in doing some things and not feel guilty about not being able to do all things.

Marriage and Forgiveness

Brad and I's relationship is a classic example of "opposites attract".  It's a great binding force that provides strength, confidence and security when we are together, but it is also hard work.  "Conflict Resolution" is a skill we had to learn and master in order for our relationship to survive. And we are continually learning. It never ends.

We have grown through the years.  This year, in October,  we will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary.  23 years ...

Our marriage is well at this time, but in no way it's perfect. Two imperfect people simply cannot have a perfect marriage.  There no such thing as perfect marriage. But there is such a thing as perfect love. And that perfect love, which only comes from God, is the foundation on which our marriage is built.

Yesterday, our day started out great.  But just before Brad leave for his work, I asked something and the "slightly sarcastic" reply he gave me pushed a hot button (or a raw nerve) that I actually screamed back at him. Whoah! Where did that scream come from? I knew I shouldn't be screaming. It was an inappropriate response.  My scream irritated him and he said something, which in turn made me scream louder. Whoa again! It was bad. With a very stern face and voice he told me not to scream at him.  Then he left for work. I calmed down. By the time he came back to work late at night, we are back to normal conversation.

Are we ever going to discuss what happened at that time before he left Costco? We should. But I don't know if we will.  On Tuesday will be the last of the 4 week "class" on marriage we are attending at Hope Chapel with Karen and Joe.  We will miss it because Brad is going to have a surgery that day to remove the lipoma on his chest.

23 years.  Our marriage is an adventure for sure.  Lots of ups and downs.  If someone asks me what is the key ingredient for us to make it this far, I would say there are many, but one of the most important ingredient is FORGIVENESS.  

No Regrets

One of the most memorable  Celebration of Life I attended was that of Jason Spence.  Jason is a good friend and our teaching pastor at Hope Chapel. He suddenly died a day after Thanksgiving in 2013.  I still can remember how the news came to us as a shock. He died peacefully.  I think it was about a week (or less) that the celebration of life was held. There his wife Toni Spence spoke about "NO REGRETS". She said they are a family of no regrets. Even though Jason's death is so sudden, he lived a full life, according to God's calling in his life,  and there was no regret.  Their family love each other and spent time together - there again is "no regrets".... those two words left a mark on me ad we left Hope Chapel that day.  In my own life I wondered if I can say that ... if my family can say that ....

Would there be many "what if's" and "I should have's" or "we should have's" in my life if I suddenly die? I hoped not, and decided not to let that happen.  I desire to live my life to the fullest, to live a life according to my calling.  There might be some unfulfilled dream, unfinished tasks, but if my time comes I hope there will be "no regrets".