Friday, November 24, 2017

Vulnerability, Overshare and Overthinking

The other day I shared about my "stress hive".  Yesterday I talked to my friend/doctor and he told me it's not. He said its a viral thing.  Maybe it is, maybe it's not .... but I stand with my self diagnosis that it is  (i know, Google and I are not doctors, but ;) ).  There are many things I am sorting out in my life and I think that's causing a "stir" in my system.  Anyway, I am glad the hives are gone because it was not fun having it.

So now, let's catch up on where we've left off ....  

Kids Insurance. Answered Prayers.  We figured out what we are going to do and they are covered.

Maui Monopoly. The event was successful.  I was exhausted and my energy was drained after. Then this feeling "I didn't do as much as I should have done" came upon me. I started thinking of the things I could have done better, and I was hard on myself. Then there was also an anxiety felt when I heard of the talk about making it an annual event.  After a couple of days dealing with that anxiety, and I had the courage to express myself and just be honest that fundraising is not my calling.  I was honest. I made myself vulnerable. In the end it worked out fine.

On a more positive note, my son was accepted at the Animation school he applied for and he is going to L.A. in January. We're pretty excited!  I will most likely share more about this on another entry but I just want to mention it here for now.

And one more great news, I found my Bible that I thought I lost.

Now on a different story ...

I shared at the Thanksgiving Eve at church.   It was a "sensitive" topic for me.  I practiced in my head what I was going to say and its all good.  But when I stood up on the stage, there was a phrase that came out of my mouth that should not have ... and after that I was bummed.  Thus my title "Vulnerability, Overshare and Overthinking".   You see, the point of my sharing is to give Thanks to God for being a personal God. It's a testimony of how He is always with us no matter what we go through.  I wanted to share a certain struggle I had 12 years ago that will make that point.  What I am supposed to say was " 12 years ago, a situation happened at church that I felt hurt and insecure. It was a complicated situation and it wasn't intended to hurt me, but I felt hurt".  Well.... on the stage, I simply said "(12 years ago, "name of church" hurt me, emotionally ..." Duh! After the sharing I felt bad. That was an overshare.  Sure I emphasized the fact that God has a plan, that we all make mistakes, nobody is perfect, but still I was bothered by that phrase. It's an old story. I should not have mentioned it. It can be misinterpreted. I started this back and forth dialogue in my head:  "it's ok, let it go - to what can I do - what should I do to make it right? etc. etc."  The thing is, it's done. Probably nobody ever remembered what I said; but what if somebody does, and misinterpret what I meant. Oh well, let go and let God handle this. 

Yesterday we celebrated Thanksgiving with our friends.  We hosted it at home.  On Thanksgiving, we have this "tradition" that at the night of Thanksgiving we would put our Christmas Tree up and decorate it with our friends.  Yesterday I told my husband that I wasn't ready for the Christmas  Tree to be up.  I simply don't want to do the "tradition".  Long story short, we did it anyway, and I am glad we did.  However, it makes me wonder what exactly was my reason why felt like I didn't want to do it.  It's hard to explain.  I can "feel" it on my body ...  in my mind I know why I didn't want to do it, but there are no words to describe why.  I guess I can  "blame" it on the "Introvert Me".  I am still recovering from using all my "social powers" in CT, my social me is depleted.  Friends at "Quiet Revolution"  would understand what I was going through  but my husband who is an extrovert won't.  Maybe I am just missing my daughter and my family in the Philippines and that's my way of  fighting it or indirectly expressing it. I don't know. But our friends are pretty cool so it turned out fine and I am glad that now our Christmas tree is decorated. 

The thing is, now I am feeling kind guilty for making that situation a bit awkward.  Because I that morning I told them I don't want to do it, then in the end I agreed to do it. I felt I had put a "damper" of the situation.  I hate being the "melancholic" one.  I wish I can be this "enthusiastic" and "fun" person instead of this person who other people might be "walking on eggs shells" around.  Oh yes, I am overthinking this too.  It went fine. Liza, stop overanalyzing.

OK. I think this is it for now.   I woke up at 3am today and couldn't go back to sleep so I wrote here. But now I am feeling sleepy, which is a good thing, so I am going back to bed.

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