Saturday, August 25, 2007

And Once Again I Introspect (The Post About My Parents)

My Dad (Tatay) told me it's final. They really feel they need to go back home. He told me this two days ago, but this morning after they talked to my youngest brother they changed their mind and decided to stay a bit longer, but after a couple hours after they talked, Tatay told me (again), it's final... we can buy their tickets now.

I have not told my husband yet. Last time I mentioned to him about my parent's desire to go home (about 2 weeks ago) he did not take it well...

It took me 1o years ... 10 years for me to finally get convinced that my husband would be ok for my parents to move in with us. It took me 10 years to "mold" him into our culture of being comfortable to have our parents living in our house. And now that he's so sold out, he's so stoked that they are here ... I would have to convince him that it's really good for them to go back home. I don't have another 10 years to spend. I need to convince him quickly. Internet, I need your help!

I really don't know how to break this news to my husband. I don't even have the energy and the words to explain why I think it's really ok for them to go back home. One main reason is that my parents feel that it's easier for them to rush to the emergency room of the hospital there in the Philippines than here on Maui. In my husband's mind, that's not a good enough reason. I understand what he means. My husband was explaining to me how my parents are better off here if they are worried about my mom's health because we have better medical facilities here than in the Philippines. He's preaching to the choir. I know that already.

But sometimes when we are dealing with "seniors" what is "common sense" or what is "logical" is not always what is "comfortable"...and sometimes when we are dealing with seniors "being comfortable" is better than being "logical"...that "making sense" does not matter if what makes sense to us does not make sense to them. Does that make any sense?

Internet, I am tired thinking about this. Would you tell me how to explain this to my husband?

8 comments:

wilsonian said...

Hi Liza-
While I don't have any experience telling a husband anything... I think he might understand that most often when seniors make their minds up about something, that's it.

I hope it goes well...

Liza's Eyeview said...

I think you're right Wilsonian. Thanks for the encouragement...

Jessie said...

I don't have any words of wisdom. I do have internet ((hugs)). I hope it goes well.

micpro said...

Hi Liza -

Maybe just explaining to him that when you love someone, sometimes you have to just step back and give them the space to make their own decisions - whether you think it's a good one or not.

Our parents had to do that for us - once upon a time. As our parents age, we will sometimes find ourselves in the position of needing to return that courtesy. Of course, we will worry - just like they did for us.

I have always remembered something my own father once said to me after allowing me to make a decision he had disagreed with which ended in disastrous consequences... A severe knee injury on a skiing trip.

When I asked him if he was going to tell me 'I told you so', I was surprised when he told me, "No. I let you make your own choice because I would rather that you have a broken bone than a broken spirit."

Now that I am having to step back and at times let my parents make similar decisions, I am beginning to understand just what an amazing declaration of love that allowing someone that kind of freedom really is.

If you can think of a similar story from your own childhood - maybe it will help your husband understand. I hope this helps a little - I will keep your family in my prayers. I just found your blog today and I think it's excellent!

Jayred said...

Liza, knowing our culture, I think it might be best that your parents go back home. They do have a valid point about the ease of going to the hospital emergency room in the Philippines. In Western countries, ang daming chechebureche. I had to wait a long time to see my specialists. I took months. Besides, I feel that your parents are getting homesick....

But then again, this is just my opinion.

Liza's Eyeview said...

Jayred, I agree with you and with parents. However, my husband can't see that reason right now...(and it's irritating me that he's making this difficult....)

julie said...

Liza, hi!

You know naman how parents, especially when they are older, when they decide, there is no turning back. Yes, sometimes, it is hard to make them "see the sensibility or lack of it" of their decisions.

If you are worried about them being here in the Philippines, perhaps, you or other relatives can make arrangements with somebody to help look after them to ease you worries and fears. My 2cents.

raqgold said...

hi liza -- it's just like with kids, they always say they wanna go home if they dont feel so good. and that's what's happening to your parents. home is home, no matter what. but i understand your husband's stance, too -- i guess he feels the need to be there for them, too. i pray for the right words and emotions. here's some warm hugs, too.