Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Speak Lord, For Your Servant Listens ...

I find myself waking up at 3:00 AM every day for the past 7 days. It's like my body clock is stuck. I try to sleep, I stay in bed for as long as I can, but my mind was wide awake. Somehow I know what is causing this, and yet somehow I don't....

My husband and I are attending a parenting class at church. Part of me is very excited about it. We are learning a lot. Part of it is adding to my self- imposed guilt on my situation of being a working mom. Each and every I have to remind myself that it's ok. That's it's ok to be an imperfect mom. That's it's ok to feed my kids pockets and instant ramen a lot of times because I just don't have enough time to cook a homemade meal. I have to remind myself that it's ok to have a messy house when I am spending time helping with son with his homework instead of cleaning the house....

And then there's that guilt about pursuing my passion - this whole blogging and social media thing. It's so easy to just say drop it. It's taking time away from my kids and family. And yet the way I see it, it's a God given passion that would enable me to work at home (or from home) someday.... Every time I am at the point of letting go this whole social media involvement, every time I am at the point of dropping it cold-turkey, something comes up. An opportunity arises that shows me clearly that the time I am investing on this passion is not in vain because God is blessing it. I can almost reach that day when I can quit my job outside the home and do my job inside the home.

And then there's that issue of timing ....

the issue of parenting ...

of marriage ....

of extended family ...

and of friendship ...

and I didn't even mention the issue of church involvement and ministry. For at this time, I have none to give. zip, nada, I have zero involvement at church. I go there to receive, to listen, to renew, to worship, to spend time listening to God. But getting involved? no. And this is a big change from what I used to be. Church used to be a huge part of my life, I used to work at church and I loved it. But right now I am at a stage in my life that I can't. I am at the receiving end. I want to be ministered to. I go there to rest, to re-charge, to receive grace and comfort. Most of the time I do, sometimes I don't. And so there's that danger of moving away from it. A danger of hibernating, of wanting to be alone, of just finding friendships and comfort some place else. And yet I know ... I know that it's a matter of choice. It's a matter of attitude. It's a matter of the heart....

Speak Lord, your servant listens ....

Maybe there's a reason why I wake up at 3AM. Maybe God wants to speak and I am just not giving me the full attention He deserves. Maybe....

Lord, I am here ...

Speak Lord, for your servant listens ....

5 comments:

Karen said...

I think it's impossible to ever feel you gave your children enough, because honestly enough isn't even enough. There are so many needs, so little time. One mercy in Joey's passing is the realization that it doesn't get fixed here, it gets fixed in Heaven. I have let go of a lot of worries based on that new understanding of the world. When I can't do what I want about something, I have found relief knowing He will repair everything eventually.
That's probably defeating to a young mom like you who wants to do everything right, but somehow it fits with reality as we live it.

You have a beautiful heart Liza, and your children know they are loved. Someday they will rise up and call you blessed...
Hugs to my dear friend.

CharlotteD said...

Even if you were home all the time, you wouldn't feel like you were doing enough. Not always do we minister in the same way. Just the fact that you are at church may be ministering to someone. You may never know the way that your life touches others until you reach heaven. However you can't do it without that time of being refilled. Homemade meals are great, but they don't compare to a mother who follows the Lord. My mother worked a good share of the years when I was growing up, but we always knew that God and her family came way before her job. When God drops an opportunity in your lap, be sure to hold on to it. In our case, it came in the form of a 2 year old boy. It is scary to think of raising him, but he is the big surprise that God dropped in our lives this year.

One Woman's Journey said...

Liza, I understand all you share.
I have been there. Just continue on moment by moment, day by day.
The path will be clear.
You are such an inspiration to so many. Do not feel guilty for this time of your life. At times I feel like you do - I am a mother with grown children and now grandchildren.
God loves you and he will open and shut doors for you.
Blessings and peace sent to you at this moment. Love you - your other mom.

Jeri said...

Timing is everything and waiting for that timing can be difficult. However, there can also be peace in the resting of that waiting period. Just trusting that God has a wonderful plan for your life and He loves you so much. Rest in Him and fact that He knows those desires of your heart.

Much love & prayers,
Jeri

Anonymous said...

Dearest Precious Liza,

Just let God love you! You are His beloved and He wants to whisper your name and remind you how He sees you: Perfect in Jesus. He demands nothing of His children, but to receive His love and let His love motivate our day. Moment by moment.

Blessings from a sister in Christ,
Liz